Inside, Lookin' Out

You ever get the feelin', you're inside, lookin' out? Like, you can see all the good in others, but you can't see it in yourself? You start believing phrases that have been told to you, but only when you're applying it to someone else. For example, I have had many people along my way that have expressed a faith in my future and in me, that they know I'm gonna be fine, great even. They see "talent" and "success." And, though I am always floored with gratitude for such praise, I find I lack this type of faith within myself. How do they know? "I just do," they'll say, and I reply with a skeptical raise of the brow. When they say that, I both understand and do not understand. I understand their "assurance" for I have felt that way for many of the amazing people I have met. I have felt faith in the talents of others, pictured their success and happiness. But, I find it remarkable that I could stir such belief in others. I have done nothing remarkable, only lived my days as I was told. I have been blinded by far brighter stars than I am.


Sometimes, I think God has given us two pairs of eyes, one to see the world, to see out, and one to see inside, within ourselves and others.  One pair you never need learn how to use, the other takes takes constant practice. And, faith, faith is being able to open your inside eyes without ever blinking, what they see is true, and gut feelings, any type of belief, is the knowledge they see/record.


What I think is most difficult, is to see within oneself, but this is for what the second pair of eyes is designed. I can see the potential in others, and now I must learn to see the potential within myself. That is what I want to work on, knowing myself. I like to think I know myself pretty well, but now I'm starting to wonder if I am starting to create illusions for my inward eyes, a most dangerous escapade. I'm staring to worry that I may be trying to force myself to have feelings that aren't there, liking someone I don't because I think I need to like someone, convincing myself I'm an upbeat person when I'm actually not, or maybe, even convincing myself I'm depressed when I'm actually happy. And, maybe, just maybe, this feeling of inside looking out is a warning that I'm using my inward eyes incorrectly. But, I think using my worldly eyes incorrectly will result in a feeling of outside, looking in. Maybe, the trick is to be able to know all views, the outside looking in, the inside looking out, and  blindness, doing rather than viewing. There must be a balance somewhere, and I think I will find it in silence, meditation, and prayer, most simply: peace. I will find the balance where I find peace. So, I ask myself, where do I find peace? In the arts, in being creative, whether it be singing, acting, or directing. Even writing has become a bit therapeutic for me; I feel like this blog is where I can be on the inside looking out, my videos and directing are when I'm outside looking in, and acting and singing is when I'm doing.


There's a quote by Horace Walpole that really resonated with me recently, and it sums up how I would like to see the world and myself:
     "This world is a comedy to those that think, a tragedy to those who feel."
While I lean heavily towards the latter, I like to think I can view as the former. But, in this quote there is to me an inescapable truth: the world is something to everyone. And, judging by the fact that everyone has some capacity, whether limited or wide, to see from both points of view, it is most likely a tragicomedy. 

Lost with No Direction

Lately, I haven't felt any urge to express myself. I'm not sure what, but I think that is supposed to tell me something.

What I have felt is a need to do something with my life. I came to college knowing that I wanted to do theatre. I was going to act no matter what, even if I became a literal starving artist. I was gonna stop putting my love for theatre in the backseat, stop treating it like an extracurricular activity.

But now? Now, it's even more of a luxury than it ever was before. It's so far in the backseat, I'm not sure I see or even love it anymore. Do I still want to act? Am I only asking this question because I haven't acted in so long? Now I also think I might want to direct and do film instead of acting in theatre. But, I also keeping hearing it all the voices that told me I should continue singing or writing, that these were my talents. So, maybe a double major in theatre and film with a minor in English? But, then I leave out singing, and, I must admit, I miss singing. I would be lying if I said I didn't. I miss all of these things, all of my creative outlets, the things that kept me sane. I haven't acted in a year and a half, only ever directed one video, and stopped singing almost three years ago. Even if I studied these things, I wouldn't have the time to practice them, which is what I truly wish to do and what I thought college would give me. But, to keep up academically, I'd have to push enjoyment and practice to the wayside.

My conclusion? I just don't know anymore. And, that is the fact I feel most ashamed to admit. I don't know. Growing up, I had been haughty enough to think that I would know what do with my life once it was fully mine, but I don't. I am just as lost as those around me, something I never wanted to be. It doesn't comfort me to be similar to others in this regard. I like knowing things when it comes to my life and it's outcome.
I'm not asking to know the future, I just want to move towards it. I want to make it happen rather than let it happen to me. I want direction.

Yet, through all of this, the only thing I have done for my future is talk about  it. I have this wonderful gift of life, and the only thing I've thought to do with it is put it on the shelf. I am in the midst of pondering away my youth, of  spending my days wondering and wandering instead of doing and traveling with direction.
I watch these people who inspire me, admire they're determination to do what they love, and think "I wish I could do that." Why can't I? It's simple right? You just stop sitting around and do something. You have to start somewhere. Right? Because I'm scared. I'm scared of the possibilty of not having any money off which to live, of not having a home. I'm scared. What is fear but motivation? This fear should motivate to work harder for a bright future, yet I've somehow made it work in the reverse. It motivates me to do nothing I want to do, but what I have to do. I can't imagine a 9 to 5, yet that's what fear tells me I should persue.

I wish...

I just wish...

What? I don't even know that anymore. Even my thoughts feel without direction, as you can probably tell from this long-winded, fear-filled post. Main idea? Don't think so. If there is, it's the title.

Whew. I feel a little lighter now. Hope you don't feel heavier for reading so much. ;)

Anyway, thanks for stickin' with me if you made it this far, and, of course, advice is welcome.