I turn to glance at you, but you aren't there. I forgot. I forgot I left you behind. I forgot I left you somewhere else. Who will know what I'm thinking with just a meeting of the eyes? Who will understand me and remind me that I know myself? I make plans and wonder if you'll want to join me,but it doesn't matter. You aren't here. I forgot.
They say that at this new place I'll make friends, friends for life. Friends I'll miss so much that I'll be more than excited to return to see them again next year. But, making new friends almost seems like a betrayal to you, to the ones I left behind. Yet, I have to admit that the prospect of meeting new people and the chance to enlarge my world excites me.
This new place has so many things to offer. Everyhting is so bright and shining and good. It makes me feel free and like I'm rushing towards a brilliant future that will far exceed my already grand expectations. However, this weightlessness is often countered by loneliness,a feeling as if I have left a part of me, almost all of me, behind. Who am I without the people who know me? It is through them that my identity exists. The people here do not know me. Do I exist?
Being here, I must start again. I must prove myself once more. I must make new people understand who I am. I must grow new roots though I still long for the taste of my home soil. Does this longing ever go away?
I must start again. The idea is frightening because in starting again, everything is reset. Possibilities become endless once again. I can remain the same or I can change. In heading towards a new future, I must leave things behind. Or, at least, that's what I thought.
But, in exploration of my longing for what now seems gone and my fear of flying brighter and unknown skies, I realize that nothing is left behind. I was shaped by who and from where I came. I am their Elizabeth. My begingings are always with me and by sharing myself, I share my beginings. With begingings I can have an end, an end I create within my present and future. And so, by starting again, I work toward a fusion of beginings and ends that when looked back upon may be called a good life, my good life.
I really enjoyed this post! I loved having an insight into how you are doing. All of your feelings of loneliness and leaving people behind are completely understandable. Leaving home is hard. Leaving your family and all of the wonderful friends who you have made throughout your years in elementary, middle, and high school is tough. But all of those people are right where you left them and any time you need to reconnect with them they are all just a phone call away. We are all standing right behind you cheering you along as you chase your dreams. Trust me, though you may not physically be surrounded by your family and old friends you are never ever alone. Luckily you realize that this huge change in your life is a blessing. It is giving you opportunities and sometimes it will force you to grow in ways that you wouldn’t have grown if you were still physically surrounded by your close friends. This is a good thing! And now you have the opportunity to meet other amazing people who you will become very close to. You are giving others a chance to meet “our” Elizabeth and see what an amazing person you are and they now have the opportunity to make you “their” Elizabeth. Though it may feel like you are without those who were closest to you in your inner circle the wonderful thing about life and moving on and starting over in new places is that your inner circle doesn’t have to start over – it just continues to grow and grow as you let others in while not having to replace that circle with the original people. I, for one, am proud and honored to be a part of your original circle! Now, keep chasing your dreams and rushing towards that brilliant future of yours!
ReplyDeleteThanks. You understood it completely, but of course you would, beimg one of the originals and all.
ReplyDeleteI love you. And boy do i truly understand the weight of these words when i type them to you now, having been away from my psychologist/sister for 16 days. The philosophies you collect throughout your life are absolutely... divine. Ahh, the correct word in this sense, yes nearly heavenly is the process of the mind. Lots of love! Still thinking about you.
ReplyDeleteNicely written. I daresay you have skill. Yes, the mind is most amazing, I hope my philosophies can help you as you form your own. I love you too.
ReplyDeleteYup..this is it exactly! You are a great writer and observer, and I'm glad you're memorializing your reflections on the transition to college life. See you around!
ReplyDeleteThanks. After our talk today, I just knew I wanted you to see this. Thanks again for taking a look;I'm so glad you enjooyed it.
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