Lately, I haven't felt any urge to express myself. I'm not sure what, but I think that is supposed to tell me something.
What I have felt is a need to do something with my life. I came to college knowing that I wanted to do theatre. I was going to act no matter what, even if I became a literal starving artist. I was gonna stop putting my love for theatre in the backseat, stop treating it like an extracurricular activity.
But now? Now, it's even more of a luxury than it ever was before. It's so far in the backseat, I'm not sure I see or even love it anymore. Do I still want to act? Am I only asking this question because I haven't acted in so long? Now I also think I might want to direct and do film instead of acting in theatre. But, I also keeping hearing it all the voices that told me I should continue singing or writing, that these were my talents. So, maybe a double major in theatre and film with a minor in English? But, then I leave out singing, and, I must admit, I miss singing. I would be lying if I said I didn't. I miss all of these things, all of my creative outlets, the things that kept me sane. I haven't acted in a year and a half, only ever directed one video, and stopped singing almost three years ago. Even if I studied these things, I wouldn't have the time to practice them, which is what I truly wish to do and what I thought college would give me. But, to keep up academically, I'd have to push enjoyment and practice to the wayside.
My conclusion? I just don't know anymore. And, that is the fact I feel most ashamed to admit. I don't know. Growing up, I had been haughty enough to think that I would know what do with my life once it was fully mine, but I don't. I am just as lost as those around me, something I never wanted to be. It doesn't comfort me to be similar to others in this regard. I like knowing things when it comes to my life and it's outcome.
I'm not asking to know the future, I just want to move towards it. I want to make it happen rather than let it happen to me. I want direction.
Yet, through all of this, the only thing I have done for my future is talk about it. I have this wonderful gift of life, and the only thing I've thought to do with it is put it on the shelf. I am in the midst of pondering away my youth, of spending my days wondering and wandering instead of doing and traveling with direction.
I watch these people who inspire me, admire they're determination to do what they love, and think "I wish I could do that." Why can't I? It's simple right? You just stop sitting around and do something. You have to start somewhere. Right? Because I'm scared. I'm scared of the possibilty of not having any money off which to live, of not having a home. I'm scared. What is fear but motivation? This fear should motivate to work harder for a bright future, yet I've somehow made it work in the reverse. It motivates me to do nothing I want to do, but what I have to do. I can't imagine a 9 to 5, yet that's what fear tells me I should persue.
I wish...
I just wish...
What? I don't even know that anymore. Even my thoughts feel without direction, as you can probably tell from this long-winded, fear-filled post. Main idea? Don't think so. If there is, it's the title.
Whew. I feel a little lighter now. Hope you don't feel heavier for reading so much. ;)
Anyway, thanks for stickin' with me if you made it this far, and, of course, advice is welcome.
I think now you can better understand the phrase; youth is wasted on the young. But then again it came about because most people do not know what direction they want to take until they are older. Quite the conundrum huh? At least in this situation you cannot feel alone... just normal. Recommendation: Just keep giving effort to your art, small amounts are fine. You do not need to go from zero to success in four years or less. You just need to keep trying.
ReplyDeleteYou are good at writing, your long post show that.
The problem is you are trying to make too many decisions at one time. You are trying to decide your entire future success now, instead of doing something in the moment. So instead of trying to make a hundred decisions, just make one. Decide the next free time you have you will take your camera, notebook, laptop, or whatever it is you are going to use for creativity and go out capture a little something you can use for creativity. You don't have to decide what you are going to create, just start capturing be it, thoughts, video, or a drawing and then later decide what you want to do with it, you may decide you want to delete it and that is okay because you did something. You will have made a decision and followed through on it. Then repeat repeat repeat. Clarity actually comes as we learn to make fewer decisions and take more actions.
DeleteAh, this is a tough one. Let’s slow down and pick this dilemma apart, shall we? Have you ever stopped to think that being lost is indeed a direction? A less preferred one, but a direction nevertheless. What if being lost leads you where you are supposed to be? What if this time of being lost is preparing you for when you find your way?
ReplyDeleteWe are all searching for our purpose; that one thing that gives meaning to life. When we find ourselves in situations where we don’t have the answers or are unable to predict the future, fear sets in. Fear can be a crippling thing. Especially when we feel lost and the things that were once so endearing to us somehow do not matter anymore. Like someone has dimmed the light.
See, life is a journey that is to be taken one step at a time. It is all that is required of us. We are not supposed to have all the answers to life immediately. It is a process. Just like a baby has to learn to crawl before it can walk.
I will share a short version of my own journey. I changed my major 4 times in college before I finally found my purpose. Looking back, I realized that every step of my journey was leading me one step closer to my purpose. It was not without its challenges and struggles. There were many times I didn’t know up from down. Then that lost feeling set in. Now that I am where I am, I don’t know if I were given the chance if I would change anything about my experiences; even though a lot of them were quite painful and at times unbearable. Those struggles and challenges were what shaped me into who I am today. I have learned a lot about myself that I may never have known. Struggles and challenges is God’s way of showing us who we really are, which leads me to say that we are only who God says we are. After all, HE is our creator.
My advice to you would be to just be still. Listen to that small quiet voice. That is the truth of who you are. Let it guide you. The answers will come at the right exact time and you will find your purpose. You will get there, I promise. I guarantee you that a year from now you will look back on this moment and see what a strong and wise woman you are having gone through this. I can already see it.
So nice to hear from you. Thank you. Do you have your own blog or advice column?
DeleteNo, I do not have an advice column. I am flattered at the thought of it. I consider myself as someone who is passionate about helping people on their journey of life. I guess it stems from the deficiencies of my past. It is funny you should ask me about my having a blog. I am about to flatter you.
ReplyDeleteI have toyed with the idea of starting a blog, but I did not want it to become a day to day account of my activities. (I am in no way belittling anyone for their blogs. I just did not think that type of blog would be a true representation of me). I wanted it to reflect the essence of who I am and what I have learned on my journey. I am a philosophical kind of person. I wanted to be able to share my experiences, thoughts, and feelings in a way that gave life and meaning. I like to think of it as a legacy that I am leaving behind for my children and loved ones.
Hold on this is actually going somewhere. I enjoy reading blogs, especially those that express real, honest, and authentic feelings. Not just the busy-ness of life, but the realness of life. I came across your blog and I caught a glimpse of myself (I won’t say how long ago). I felt a kindred spirit with you along with the urge to respond. I did not know if it would mean anything to you, but I felt like I was talking to my younger self and thinking if only I could have had the older me to talk to. That was when it clicked. That would be my blog.
Yes, I have a blog and you unknowingly were the inspiration behind it. Funny how things happen, huh? I do not have a lot posted, just a couple of things I have wrote about a year ago. As time allows, there will be more. You are welcome to drop by and check it out anytime. www.thejourneyofasimplehuman.blogspot.com
Keep writing…….