So, I thought I had left you behind, and I was sorry, but when I returned, I realized it was I who had been left. We grow in different directions, yet you all do it together while I must do it alone. It was odd coming back, like watching someone else care for something that once was mine, that once I loved. It was growing, changing one good way after another, and I had missed it. I had missed those changes. It was becoming better yet farther from me. I had selfishly expected it to return to me, but instead had to face the truth that though I may belong to it, it does not belong to me. It may refuse to accept me in its arms agin, if it so wish. It doesn't need me to be what it is, but it is an inseparable part of me.
To what I had wanted to return was a memory of days gone by, a mirage of your former self. I had foolishly assumed that nothing had changed, but in such a short time apart, we had become strangers. What should have been a comfortable slip into familiarity had become an awkward dance of reacquaintance. But, proving it's inevitability, our relationship became clear again.
It is the feel of my favorite worn pair of sneakers. The familiarity of late night drives to clear the mind, empty back roads. It is the comfort of my favorite food and my favorite place. It is the knowledge of when, where, and who I am. It's is my get-a-way, my haven. It was all these things I had forgotten, that I had taken for granted. It is home and I had missed you.
I have a feeling, and it is that familiarity was very glad to see you too and will be glad to see you again
ReplyDeleteAfter reading your blog, I felt I should share my experience of my leaving home with you. I left home, or rather home left me, when I was 19. I remember feeling lost and scared, lonely and missing what I knew and loved. I found myself well out of my element. It was hard learning how to make a life, my life, out nothing. It almost felt like I was doing something wrong. It was quite paralyzing. What if I made a mistake? What if I spend all my energy towards what I want only to find it is not what I want at all? How could I bear to face my loved ones as a failure?
ReplyDeleteWhen I returned home, I found that things were different. Was it I who had changed or my loved ones? It was very sobering and sad at the same time. I was totally caught off guard. I thought I would fall right back into my place. I felt a sense of loss; even the loss of my identity. I did not fit here anymore; had I grown that much? Everyone felt like strangers, so much so, that I felt like an outsider looking into the lives of those I left.
I am reminded of something a friend shared with me before I left home. She told me life is like a bucket of water with your hand in it. As long as your hand is in the bucket of water, the water will surround it, but the moment you pull your hand out, the water fills in the void, leaving no hole. Our loved ones are like the water in the bucket. They have had to learn to move on without us just as we have had to learn to move on without them.
See what I did not realize was that it is what we are supposed to do. It is our job so to speak. We are supposed to grow up, leave home, and make our own way in the world. What we do with it and how we respond to it is all part of the journey. It is up to us whether or not we are going to let it paralyze us or embrace it and let it be what it is. It is what moving on means: letting go of what has past, while hanging onto it letting it be a forever part of us. It is what will guide through the rest of your journey. So home is still with you, but not all of you. That part is still but a discovery waiting to happen.
I will challenge you. Give yourself permission to be. Trust your decisions. Find the truth of who you are and don’t let anyone take it from you. What makes you smile? What makes you happy? What are the things you know about yourself? What do you like or don’t like? Go try new things. Don’t shut yourself up pining over what you have lost, but rather venture out to what you might find. Your life will only be what you make it……it is waiting for you…...
Your words are beautiful. Thank you very much. I accept the challenge.
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